Just Words

Is anyone going to be disappointed there's no pictures on this? I suppose not and I couldn't really help it to be honest.

I've been drawing for awhile now in this little journal I was given at Christmas Time. Its a fair trade journal my Aunt got in Vietnam and its quite pretty. I've only been drawing sporadically due to uni so there isn't too much in it yet.

Anyway I was drawing this evening for the first time in awhile when started considering scanning all the doodles in and updating my blog. Thing is I was kind of torn, while some of the stuff in there isn't overly personal some of it is - even if its not apparent. Especially what I've drawn tonight. I kinda decided to stuff it and do it anyway because as much as it would be a bit of an exposure to put some of that stuff up here I NEED to get this stuff out. I know I can always talk about whats bothering me and I usually do but at the moment I just can't. I'm not sure I want to because I'm not sure I can express it. I don't know its very confusing. I want to scream and cry and yell and give up and keep going all at once. Constantly evaluating if things are worth it - should I continue or should I give up. But if I give up then what next? And I don't really want to give up. Anyway to continue this story I went to scan my work in - nothing. My scanner is wireless and its always a bit dodgy but it just wouldn't go.

So theres no pictures.

I'm wondering if it was a sign from the universe that maybe I should keep this journal stuff private a bit longer.

Anyway on a happier note I went to the vintage fabric and lace fair today with my mum, aunty and her neighbour. It was good. I bought a ring for $7.50 which is quite cool - I don't have many rings and this one is quite comfortable to wear although I took it off when I was drawing. I also bought some shear pale blue almost white gloves. Mum bought me a kilt which which we're going to get taken up for next winter as well as some things she's saving up for my christmas presents which I won't mention here because thats not really In the spirit of christmas.

We also had a good lunch today :). Good food tends to make me happy :).

I don't really have any more to say

ttfn - hopefully I'll be posting something soon.

Even if its just a picture of my ring or something XD.

Dear Friends

I know usually I don't write much in here, but I'm feeling a bit funny at the moment and I suppose I need an outlet.

My fourth semester started back this Monday and my friends - non-architecture friends - have been asking to see me. This in itself isnt the problem, the problem is I'm really busy already and don't have alot of time to spend with them, even though I'd like to.

Some of them seem to understand that architecture is a crazy commitment, some I feel think I'm blowing them off or not making enough time for them. Maybe I'm not.

I'm awfully worried that I'm going to lose my friends. Well no, actually I don't think that will happen, but I'm worried I'll lose closeness with my friends. I don't want my friends to be a casualty of my studies.

Furthermore, I can hear and I can see disappointment when I say I can't attend something or wont see them in awhile. I feel so awful, so guilty for not being there enough. I try and make it clear that I'll be there whenever they need me, but maybe thats not enough. I shouldn't be a fair weather or a on-call friend. Its not really fair to them. I feel especially guilty with one of my closest friends. They've been a rock, especially in my first year of study and now I hardly see them.

Eugh I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do. I suppose this is a wait and see situation and I'll find a better way to juggle things...where nothing gets scarificed.

Dead

I miss him
but most of all
I miss them all

The people
That make me
The sensations
That may break me
I'm tired and numb

Direct

The Last Summer Paintings

Captive


Self

Uni tomorrow, the first image was finished today and started a couple of weeks ago. The second was finished a couple of weeks ago and was started in about June '10. (note its a warped/fisheyed picture of me - the clothes are make believe.)

The colours on both lost some brightness via the scanner as watercolours tend to on my scanner. I was too lazy to change it tho. :S

Cold

Dear God,

Please save me